Consequences

Consequences.

I keep using this word and people keep trying to turn it into something moral.

Punishment.

Justice.

Revenge.

"You did something bad, so now you deserve what happens to you."

No.

That's not what I'm saying.

A consequence is simply something that happens because something else happened.

That's it.

No judge required.

Cause. Effect.

Drop a glass.

It breaks.

Consequence.

Spend all your money.

You don't have money.

Consequence.

Treat somebody well.

Maybe they trust you.

Consequence.

Treat somebody badly.

Maybe they stop talking to you.

Consequence.

Do the same thing for twenty years.

Maybe somebody starts expecting you to do it.

Consequence.

Stop doing it.

Now they have a problem.

Also a consequence.

None of these things require the universe to decide whether anybody was good or bad.

Something happened.

Something followed.

Boyan Used To Fix Things

For most of my life, I was extremely accommodating.

Somebody had a problem?

I helped solve it.

Somebody didn't have money?

I'd figure something out.

Somebody needed a favor?

Sure.

Somebody I loved needed something and I could provide it?

Why wouldn't I?

This was especially true with family.

I didn't think about it much.

It was just what I did.

And when you behave like that long enough, people adapt.

Of course they do.

That's not necessarily malicious.

If somebody reliably helps you for twenty years, eventually "this person will probably help me" becomes a perfectly reasonable assumption.

Their behavior adapts to mine.

Consequence.

Then mine changed.

Another consequence.

The Buffer

What I didn't understand for a long time was how often I was acting as a buffer between other people and the consequences of their own choices.

Someone doesn't want to spend money.

I find a cheaper solution.

Someone doesn't want to deal with paperwork.

I deal with it.

Someone has created an inconvenience.

I absorb some of it.

Someone doesn't know how to solve something.

I solve it.

This wasn't some heroic sacrifice.

Most of this shit was easy for me.

That's probably why I did so much of it.

If I can fix something in ten minutes that will take somebody else three hours, why wouldn't I?

Perfectly reasonable.

Until it isn't.

Because there's another consequence hiding inside that arrangement.

If I continually absorb the result of somebody else's choices, they don't experience the same result they otherwise would.

Then one day I stop.

Suddenly their life becomes slightly more inconvenient.

I didn't create the inconvenience.

I stopped removing it.

Those are different things.

Handle Your Own Shit

This has become one of the simplest changes in my life.

Handle your own shit.

Not angrily.

Not:

"Fuck you, suffer."

Just:

That's yours.

You don't have money?

Okay.

You don't want to spend money?

Okay.

You don't want to do the paperwork?

Okay.

You don't want to make the phone call?

Okay.

You don't like the available options?

Okay.

None of those statements automatically produce:

Therefore Ben must do something.

That second line used to appear almost automatically.

Now it doesn't.

And that has consequences.

Of course it does.

Everything does.

Relationships Are Systems

People sometimes talk about relationships as though one person suddenly changes and therefore everything falls apart.

But relationships are systems.

I behave one way.

You adapt to that.

You behave another way.

I adapt to that.

We repeat this for years.

Eventually neither of us even notices the machinery.

This is just how things are.

Until one variable changes.

Then suddenly the entire system starts producing different outputs.

I've watched this happen repeatedly in my own life.

I changed.

People around me continued interacting with the previous version of me.

Their behavior produced responses they weren't expecting.

My responses produced behavior I wasn't expecting.

More consequences.

No mastermind.

No grand plan.

No karma police.

Just a system changing because one of its inputs changed.

"Nobody Has Ever Treated Me This Way"

I've heard variations of this one.

Nobody has ever spoken to me this way.

Nobody has ever treated me this way.

Okay.

That may be completely true.

But sometimes the more interesting question is:

Has this person ever treated you this way before?

If the answer is no, then something changed.

Maybe them.

Maybe you.

Maybe both.

Maybe the circumstances.

Maybe twenty years of accumulated bullshit finally crossed some invisible threshold.

Whatever happened, the new behavior didn't materialize from another dimension.

Something preceded it.

That doesn't automatically make the behavior good.

It doesn't make it bad.

It makes it a consequence.

I Was Angry

I've said things in anger.

I've written things in anger.

I've sworn at people.

I've said things today that I wouldn't say now.

I'm not going to rewrite those moments.

I was the person I was.

I knew what I knew.

I felt what I felt.

I acted.

Something followed.

Would I make the same choice today?

Sometimes no.

That's useful information.

It tells me I've changed.

I don't need to prosecute the previous version of myself for failing to already be the current one.

He couldn't have been.

The current one exists partly because of what happened afterward.

Consequences.

This Isn't Karma

Karma gets used in a strange way in everyday conversation.

Someone does something shitty.

Something shitty happens to them.

"Karma."

Maybe.

But that's not what interests me.

I'm not waiting for the universe to balance a spreadsheet.

I don't need somebody who hurt me to hurt.

I don't need somebody who lied to me to be lied to.

I don't need somebody who took something from me to lose something.

That's still attachment.

I'm still waiting for an outcome.

I'm still emotionally invested in what happens to them.

No thanks.

The consequence that matters to me may simply be:

I no longer participate.

That's enough.

Forgiveness Has Consequences Too

I've forgiven people.

Some of them are no longer in my life.

Again, people sometimes hear a contradiction there.

I don't.

Forgiveness changed me.

It removed something I didn't want to carry anymore.

That had consequences.

I can see somebody I once hated and be perfectly pleasant.

I can laugh.

I can wish them a nice day.

I can genuinely mean it.

And then I can continue walking.

Forgiveness didn't restore the relationship.

It changed my relationship with what happened.

Different thing.

Different consequence.

Good Things Have Consequences

This is the part people forget because the word has become weirdly negative.

Love has consequences.

Kindness has consequences.

Patience has consequences.

Generosity has consequences.

Trust has consequences.

Meeting somebody can alter the next thirty years of your life.

A conversation can change what you think.

A book can change what you notice.

A four-hour Buddhist lecture you put on because you're trying to fall asleep can apparently reorganize your fucking Sunday.

Consequences.

Nothing dark about it.

Something happened.

Something followed.

You Don't Get To Choose All Of Them

This may be the important part.

We choose actions.

We don't get complete control over consequences.

You can apologize and not be forgiven.

You can love somebody and lose them.

You can help somebody and be resented.

You can do everything you believe is correct and still produce an outcome you hate.

You can make what looks like a terrible decision and discover years later that your entire life came from it.

Cause and effect aren't a vending machine.

Insert virtue.

Receive desired outcome.

That's not how any of this works.

You act.

Then reality gets a vote.

And Then You Keep Going

I've spent enough time looking backward.

Why did this happen?

Why did they do that?

Why did I do this?

What would have happened if I'd done something else?

Interesting questions.

Sometimes useful.

But eventually:

Blah blah blah.

The thing happened.

The consequence happened.

Now something else is happening.

And I'm here.

That's the only part of the chain where I can actually do anything.

So I do whatever I'm going to do.

Then that will have consequences too.

And those consequences will produce more consequences.

No moral scoreboard required.

No cosmic referee.

No punishment.

No reward.

Just life doing what life does.

Something happens.

Then something else happens.

Consequences.